Recent research is beginning to acknowledge partner birth trauma.
Pregnancy and birth is an emotional rollercoaster. We understandably focus on the experiences of new mothers, yet we rarely acknowledge the experience of birth from a partner’s point of view. This is curious given birth remains one of the most profound life events that most people experience.
In a flurry of recent studies however, partners were asked about their experiences of birth, with most describing the event as deeply traumatic. This illustrates a number of themes that many partners can relate to. It also reveals birth as both a wondrous time, and one that is unpredictable and unexpected in its emotional upheaval. Although men were the focus of enquiry, I believe these themes carry over to the experiences of many partners, men, women and trans.
Roller-coaster of emotion
Partners involved in the study agreed that once the birth process had started, events seemed to move rapidly, with decisions often feeling sudden and unexpected. They reported feeling disempowered and disconnected from events. Labouring partners guided whether relaxation or action was required. Partners relied on the direction of medical staff whom they did not feel a strong connection to.
Partners felt a great deal of uncertainty, with periods of calm followed dramatically by extreme emotion. They described feeling intensely the anguish of their partners, and powerless to manage their partner’s pain, anxiety and stress. At the other extreme, the appearance of their newborn infant often postponed celebration until confirmation was received that everything was okay. Disempowerment added to partners birth trauma.
Confrontation with life… and death
Partners involved in the study described moments of feeling an overwhelming sense of death; that there was every possibility their partner might not survive the birth, and thoughts that they would be left to raise their child single handedly. This belief was often reinforced by the amount of medical staff present at the birth and the language used by them to describe the urgency of events and of decisions (especially when the birth plan doesn’t proceed as expected). Most partners described needing to be strong for their labouring partners and that unified strength was pivotal to a healthy outcome.
Partners also described being unprepared for the screaming and violence of birth. Antenatal/birth education often shows birth as calm and relaxed. When real sounds of labour are heard that differ from expectation, partners can interpret this as the birth going badly. This often adds an element of fear around managing their baby and relating to their partners emotions post birth. Flashbacks to the birth and their partners pain often plague partner’s thoughts and emotions during the early postnatal period.
Distortions in time
Partners experienced substantial distortion in time. In early labour, time seems to move slowly. At the conclusion of labour, however time progresses quickly. The excitement of the baby arriving, and needing to rush to the hospital results in partners feeling hyperadrenalised into action to get things ready for the imminent birth.
The distortion in time is compounded by the length of labour itself. Labour varies in time from an hour to more than a day in some cases. Partners often have little understanding of the process of labour and the physical changes necessary to allow birth to happen. This includes the stages of dilation of the cervix for instance, or the natural rhythms to labour that are experienced in a vaginal delivery. It is the last of these that is often misinterpreted. Periods of calm lead partners to ask what is happening? Why is the baby not coming?
Conversely, partners experience a caesarean delivery as events moving too quickly, one moment they’re talking to their partners, and the next they’re holding their new born infant. The sudden change of context can lead many partners to struggle to make sense of things.
Being constantly mobilised for action leaves most partners feeling completely exhausted. However, this is often not reported because of guilt and shame. Compared to their labouring partners, they just don’t have the right to comment on their own experiences, during or after the event. This sense of voicelessness added to partners birth trauma.
Changes in work
Work is greatly impacted by the birth. Most partners felt that their productivity was at the lowest point in years, and that the amount of time taken off had greatly increased. For many partners there were mixed emotions, with some acknowledging a sense of frustration in not being able to perform as well as in times prior to the birth, but also satisfaction in being part of something larger than just work.
Changing relationship to partners
Partners described their relationships being impacted by the birth in key ways. They described changes in how they relate to their partners interpersonally, but also how they relate intimately. Partners’ relationship to their partner’s bodies often changed. Areas that were previously eroticised, being viewed instead as in the service of their infant child. Most partners reported a decrease in intimacy in the months following birth with varying degrees of acceptance.
Apprehension around sexual intimacy was also reported by the partners in one study. Partners were apprehensive prior to the birth – that injury might happen to the baby. Apprehension was also felt after the birth – that injury might happen to their partner. Also reported was a sense of separation from their partners. In the first few months post birth, their partner’s attention and bodies were taken up exclusively in support of their infant child.
Urgent conversation
It is becoming clearer that partners experience unique difficulties of their own, difficulties that often remain unacknowledged. When the distress of witnessing birth is not discussed, partners are most prone to birth trauma.
Should we be considering counselling as an option? Could this become mandatory for a woman and her partner in the lead up to and immediately following birth, to ensure that parents travel well and that the baby is in an environment that is as caring and nurturing as possible?
Counselling before the birth – especially during the last trimester, provides a woman and her partner valuable opportunities to communicate strengths, fears and expectations. However, it is not until partners (and expectant mothers) have individual sessions that the opportunities emerge to be truthful about unique challenges – to drop the mask of coping.
Making time to ‘debrief’ the birthing experience from both perspectives is crucial. Post birth is a period of time that can go by too quickly, leaving new parents just managing to keep afloat. This is a time when experiences of birth trauma are often not acknowledged.
We need more research to understand the experiences of birth from the partner’s point of view. It is so important to give a voice to experiences that are rarely if ever acknowledged. I’d encourage expecting parents to talk about these issues between themselves. Alternatively, with a professional who you can feel safe to express feelings without judgement: better discussed than not.
file:///Users/raviiyer/Downloads/s12884-017-1259-y
https://onlinelibrary-wiley-com.ezproxy.lib.swin.edu.au/doi/full/10.1111/j.1471-6712.2009.00768.x
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0266613816301425
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